Come on, wake up! Come on, Bubble, try and concentrate!
I've got important information to tell you.
I am going to be in France for nearly a whole week,
and I'm counting on you to cope.
You only have to concentrate on one thing-the refurbishment of Bettina's flat.
The refurbishment of Bettina's flat.
I promised it would be finished this week.
When she said "Third World Chic" I was hoping she would stick to it,
but it took me hours to get that fly-blown mud hessian for her kitchen walls.
There's a nomadic tribe in the North African desert
that's going to be travelling rather light this winter, thanks to Bettina.
When the wood arrives for the kitchen surfaces
remember to stamp it "Greenpeace Approved".
- "Greenpeace Approved". - If the silk for the cushion doesn't arrive,
then fax Calcutta and tell them to weave faster.
What can they be doing? Squatting inside the room, making chapattis?
Poor Bettina.
Bonjour. Oui, oui.!
Also, I'll try and phone you from my mobile,
but I'm not sure it'll work from France.
I'd understand what you were saying.
- Oh, darling... - You do speak French, don't you?
Of course I speak French. Someone has been stealing from me.
- Saffy. - Morning, dear.
- What are you doing here? - Keeping Saffron company while you're away.
- No, you're not. Is she, sweetie? - I don't mind.
Saffy doesn't want you here cramping her style. She wants a little freedom.
She wants to have parties and have boys around and play loud music.
- And have orgies. - Yes, and snogging.
Smash the place up a bit and crash out on the floor.
In a pool of sick.
- I don't. - Why not, darling?
Why not try it just once, sweetie?
You're not like your mother in that respect, are you, Saffron?
She spent most of her teenage years sitting on a large bean-bag,
cigarette in one hand, joss-stick in the other
with a large-lipped youth suctioned onto her face.
Come here, darling. Come away from that woman. I want to speak to you.
Nice cup of tea. Where would one find the tea bags?
We don't have tea bags. We happen to have tea.
Come over here, sweetie. I want to talk to you.
Something has been stolen from my room.
- What? - A certain something precious to me.
- Have you seen this pot? - Where? What? Oh.
It's a sort of space-age teapot, isn't it, dear?
A teapot to boldly go where no teapot has been before
to seek out new life forms.
- I hid your stash. - Where?
- Down the toilet. - Ah!
What might one use to put the tea in the pot with?
A teaspoon, a bloody, buggery teaspoon!
Oh! A bloody, buggery teaspoon. That sounds rather clever.
And what did one fill the kettle from? The bloody marvellous tap, I suppose?
We happen to have a filter here, alright?
God, you come around here and make endless fuss.
It's my house where I should be able to do what I want.
If only people would let me get on with it.
So, I have been busted by my own daughter, have I?
- What am I supposed to do now? - What were you planning to do?
Slide it into the lining of your handbag,
or insert it into some orifice for some dog to sniff at?
I can't believe you were taking it with you.
I don't mind if you have to have the odd joint at home, in your bedroom.
Oh, sweetie, thank you. How kind, darling!
It was for personal use. You're allowed it for personal use.
- Yes, but they would send you to prison. - Not someone like me. Not any more.
- Pathetic. - This filtered water boils very fast.
- That's because there's less of it. - Ah.
I mean, they are illegal drugs.
You use them like people have after-dinner mints, to round off a meal
You sniff something to make you speedy or smoke to make you jelly-brained.
Either way, you end up more boring than you can imagine.
That's rich from someone who lives a life that's so boring
it would make a battery chicken take up an evening class.
Mum, you are supporting a criminal, corrupt, evil system.
- Is she insisting on voting Labour again? - Oh, shut up!
You're no different to a junkie on the street, to a dealer.
As long as people like you go on doing it, giving it a hint of respectability,
the evil will continue.
Governments will be undermined, countries kept poor, children corrupted,
individuals will be killed, intimidated and tortured.
God, you've overdosed on bloody John Craven's Newsround again!
That'll be Patsy.
Oh, I'll go.
Bonjour, sweetie.
- Oh, Patricia! - Oh, hello.
How nice. Oh, still no ring on that finger, then.
- Still no husband? - No one special Eddy!
Well... And you were always the one with the boys.
It seems so strange to me that Edwina should have been married twice,
and you still a spinster.
Oh, I don't know.
- Still blonde? - Yes.
- Still managing to keep that up? - Yes. Is Eddy here?
- Yes, she is. Lovely old Patsy is here, dear. - Come on, Eddy.
No, no. Patsy, here's Saffy. Saffy, here's Auntie Patsy.
- Bye-bye, Auntie Patsy. - Come on, Eddy.
- Bye, Mum. - Goodbye.
- Take care. - I will
- Be careful Passport, tickets, condoms... - Yes, darling.
You! Remember to cancel my aromatherapy, psychotherapy,
my reflexology, osteopath, homeopath, naturopath, crystal reading, shiatsu,
my organic hairdresser and see if I can be rebirthed next Thursday afternoon.
Consider it done.
Du vin rouge.?
- And those two vodkas. - De la vodka.
- This... - Ça c'est du parfum, madame.
Oui.
- And two champagnes. - Du champagne.?
- Thank you. What's in there? - La poubelle, madame.
- Yeah, we'll have two of those. - Vous desirez des cacahouettes.?
- No. - Oi, peanuts!
Sullen, stingy, bloody French bitch.
- Madame... - Mademoiselle.
I'm going to have a healthy week, Pats. I'm not eating and not drinking.
Right.
I'm just eating fruit. Just eating fruit and not drinking.
You can't go to France and not drink.
We're staying in the middle of a vineyard. The area alone is 15% proof.
Oh well, I'll drink just wine.
Eat just fruit, drink just wine and not smoke. That's good.
And I'm not having sex.
- Are you sure, darling? - Yes, positive.
Alright, then. OK. Are we starting now or when we land?
I think I can safely start now.
No, let's say when we land.
Wake up, Pats, look at this.
Mm...
Hang on, let's cope with this corner.
Oh, it's gorgeous. Look, it's a little town.
This is it, isn't it.? Look. Wake up, Pats.! Is this the house.?
Oh, God.! Eddy, we've been down this road before.
That is the same village we are going back into.
What's wrong.?
Wake up.!
Am I on the right side of the road? I can't go on until I'm sure.
Keep driving, Eddy. You haven't hit anything yet.
This is here. I should be on the right-hand side of the road.
- Do you want me to drive? - Oh, so speaks the woman
whose head has been lolling like a bladder on a stick the whole way. Get the maps.
This is Spain. Read the instructions.
"Leave airport, turn right... " Blah, blah, blah.
Right. Now get in, Pats.
I shouldn't have gone left, should I? I mean...
Going back to that bloody airport, we'll never find it.
Oh, God.! I hate France, I hate it.!
Oh, God.! Eight hours, Pats, it has taken us.
That knocks your idea of wild nightlife in St Tropez on the head, doesn't it.?
Eight hours, eight bloody hours. If you hadn't...
We went in so many bloody circles we might be ten minutes from St Tropez.
I don't think so. The sky lost that comforting orange glow a long way back.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
After eight hours in that bloody car with you, Patsy,
the local pissoir looked rather gorgeous. But this?
Oh, shut up, Eddy. We want something to eat and drink.
Oh, God! To eat, Patsy, I can see four pieces of dried-up pasta
and half a packet of French toast which defies eating at the best of times.
A cockroach, a cockroach, a dead cockroach!
Don't kill it! I'm a Buddhist, I could come back as one of those.
- Oh! - I think it had a coronary, sweetie.
Oh, God! Insects, insects!
They followed me, those bloody insects.
Insects follow me everywhere, from Tuscany to the Caribbean.
Insects, insects, insects!
I usually see pictures of glamorous houses in Marrakesh, for God's sake.
You don't see spiders scuttling into the corner.
You never see a picture of Jane Seymour with a centipede dangling from her tiara!
No, they just follow me, they bloody follow me.
A mosquito has never bitten you, for God's sake!
The last mosquito that bit me had to book in to the Betty Ford Clinic.
Exactly!
Oh, God, I hate France!
I'm having a little trouble finding the BBC, dear.
I flicked through about 15 channels.
You've got it on satellite. Press that one.
No wonder! I kept seeing these Italian housewives taking their bras off.
I thought, "This can't be Challenge Anneka. "
Can I help myself to a sherry, dear?
Oh, or shall I have a Japanese beer?
No.
Straw dogs! It's alright.
I've got a lighter. That's typical, isn't it?
When you go abroad, all the lights go out at the slightest suggestion of a thunderstorm.
That's typical, isn't it? Oh, let's all join Europe
so the lights can bloody go out everywhere. Sieg heil, the Federal State!
What's the matter with you? You need a joint, we both need a joint.
I haven't got any. Saffy flushed all mine, the lot. I thought you had something.
I was counting on you. I've only got some coke and some ecstasy.
Are you mad? No one's taking that any more.
- Well, I'm going to bed. - Just leave me here, stranded.
Darling, there's only one candle, sweetie.
Careful here, we could come across a corpse.
I'm very sorry about the bloody ozone layer,
but this is a matter of human survival here.
Pats, go down to the village. You know what we need.
- I don't know what we need. - Yes, you do, darling!
You know, milk and bread and cheese and little French things. Go on.
- Why don't you go? - I'll write it down for you. Hang on.
Look, come on, sweetie.
Look, we need bread... pan...
...some bakery ... pa-pa-pa... painerie.
- Blancmangerie.? - And a few little vegatables from the grocerie.
A few little things, anyway. Go on, off you go.
- Look, Eddy, you do it. - Oh, no!
OK, but you have to call Saffy and Bubble and let them know we're here.
I tried. I don't know the code.
- Isn't it the same as from LA? - It doesn't work!
- Anyway, there isn't a book. - We'll just phone the operateur.
- And say what? - Well, the code for Englaterre.
- For Londra, for God's sake! - I'll do it when you've gone.
- Oh. Have you got some money, darling? - Yes, I've got lots.
Well, well, well...
- Is that enough? - That's about 500 pounds...
I've got cards.
Alright... See you later.
Oh, God!
Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?
et puis, qui vous-êtes, vous.? Le château est à 400 mètres.
Vous ne comprenez pas.? Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?
J'espère que vous passerez de bonnes vacances.
They must be getting closer now.
If you get through, I'll ask Saffy to come and bring food, shall I?
We don't want her down here. Get her to phone up in French,
order the food from Paris and have it sent down.
Pst!
Zero, one, four...
Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?
Pats, Pats! Come here, quickly!
- Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.? - Oh, God!
Le château est à 400 mètres.
- Phoosh! - Err!
Ab-ab-ab... See you!
- Has she rung? - No, what's the matter?
It's urgent.
A very angry man called to say that she's to sign this,
or the work won't be finished on...
...doings' flat. - Can't it wait?
It's cutting it really, really fine if I leave it 'til she gets back.
In fact, I think he wants it tomorrow morning.
This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
Well, you've never done anything before.
I know. I don't know why she wants to do this interior design thing.
There's just so much work!
She never would be told. She's always had her own ideas about decorating.
How she could live in that room of hers at home, I don't know.
Since she left, it has had two coats of paint and three different wallpapers,
and when the light's right, I can still see Jimi Hendrix's face staring at me.
# Purple haze, all in my brain...
# Never the same...
Oh, dear...
Hello? Mum?
No. How can you have malnutrition?
Oh, God! It's that old man again. You go, he likes you.
He likes you, darling. He fancies you. You go.
Thank God!
Wine!
Eddy, Rosemary's baby has arrived with food!
Oh, sweetie! Food, wine! Hurrah!
Oh, God! Hello, darling.
- It's not really what I imagined. - Horrible, isn't it?
- I like it. - It's been a nightmare.
- Have you eaten? - No.
Oh, good. I'll do one of my specials. I'll throw some tomatoes and olive oil
and garlic into a pan.
- A sandwich would do. - No, I'll do my special
Come on, can you hand me a frying pan?
Saff, give me a little frying pan.
- Argh! - Bonjour.
Anyone fancy a game of table tennis?
I'm sorry there's nothing to do, darling.
What do you mean? There's plenty to do.
You could walk, or paint, or play a game of table tennis.
I suppose that's alright if you're some deprived kid at its first youth club.
Or in prison at Cell Block H.
- Bubble? - Oh, yeah!
I hope I can remember how to play.
Shh, shh, shh!
Bubble, have you moved?
You'll be a bush anyway, I've got my green mixed up.
I've done you, Patsy. You can go.
It's lovely here.
It's lovely, yes.
How can you not be enjoying it? It's so peaceful and relaxing.
Just walking, reading and playing games.
- It's fun. - Fun?
Hm. I can see it should be fun, I know it should be fun, sweetie. It's...
It's like a secret no one's let me in on. It's your sort of fun.
Mm? Yeah.
Yes. Well, I think I'll go and have a stroll in the village.
I won't come.
Pats! You know that chateau at the station that we passed?
What do you think?
Darling, don't snort it. Just drink it, sweetie.
Oh... Fabulous. Fantastique.
Now, which one? We've tried this one. I like this one.
It's this one... This is the one, Pats.
- This one... This is the one, sweetie. - We've tried this one.
This one, have you tried this one? - What's this?
What's this? We haven't tried this one.
We'll try this one!
- This is the one. - No, this is the one.
That's the one we like. This is the one we like.
This is the one we didn't want, the empty one. We didn't want this one,
but this is the one... This is the one we wanted.
That is the one that... we don't want.
Right, this was one, this was one and this was one.
We haven't tried this one. - This one.
And that box. We're having the box as well, aren't we?
Shit! Someone's taken the steering-wheel!
Thanks, Ed.
Right, so...
Right, if you do the sky, I'll do the grass.
Alright.
Fancy a game of doubles?
No, I don't play.
I'm only going to play if I can play with Eddy.
In a minute.
It's so stupid! They've made the holes the wrong shape for the pieces.
Come on, Patsy!
At least you're not playing with a liquorice all-sorts...
She's very good.
I'm in the game as well You could hit it to me sometimes.
- Pats, Pats. - Darling, wipe it, wipe it, wipe it.
Look, look. Let's stop and think about the rules for a second. I'll keep score.
- First service. Hit it to me!
- To Bubble. No, to me!
Oh, well done! Lovely!
Everybody stop it. You're not allowed to play until I'm ready.
I want you two to keep an eye on the score. Hand me that ball
Yes!
Oh, I'm broke.
Take another mortgage. Don't give in.
- What, on a "get out of jail free" card? - Well, try.
I thought you were broke. Where did you get all that money from?
- Don't question me. - Where did you get it?
I borrowed it from the bank.
- You can't do that. That's cheating! - Listen, you little stoat. I own Park Lane.
I can borrow as much bloody money as I like.
Come on. Honestly, Saffy!
Try and get into the spirit of the thing, sweetie.
Isn't this the paper you wanted my mother to sign?
Oh, jeepers creepers!
- Go and give it to her now. There's still time. - No.
- Go on. - You.
Don't be silly. Go on!
Get me to that phone!
Ingleterra, Ingleterra.!
Jesus!
Pronto.!
Qu'est-ce que vous foutez dans cette baraque.?
He says he's wondering why we've been staying at the cottage.
Enfin, le château est à 400 mètres, le personnel vous attend.
The staff have been expecting us at the chateau half a mile down the road.
J'espère que vous passerez de bonnes vacances, va.!
Ahh... He hopes we had a pleasant stay.
Listen, you little gonk. If you tell anyone what he said, I'll kill you.
Drive, just drive! Get in the car, get in the car!
Drive, drive!
Patsy, get in!
Leave her, leave her. She's not quick enough. Come on, sweetie!
It's absolutely ridiculous stopping me.
Look at the people they're letting through. Stoned Chinese hippies with backpacks!
Prescription.
There is someone waiting just out by that barrier there
to get this piece of paper to save my reputation and career.
If he finds anything, Pats, you're on your own.
- Whose bag is this? - This is my case.
It's not my sponge bag.
- Who packed this case? - They did.
You'd better come with me.
- You don't have to say anything. - I know.
If you had given me this paper sooner, I would have rushed home
and I wouldn't be standing here now!
It's not her fault we're here now.
I don't think anyone quite appreciates the scale of what is happening here!
It means that of course Bettina's apartment won't get decorated.
It's the end of my career in interior design before it's even begun.
Buildings everywhere might heave a sigh of relief.
I don't know why I don't sack you.
Don't be silly. Where else are you going to find someone
who makes doing nothing into an art form?
I'm sorry. I had to say that.
It's alright. I didn't quite understand what you meant.
- Is no one going to speak to me? - Shh!
After all, I'll be the one who'll be going to prison.
At least you've got your table tennis practice in.
I must be allowed that telephone call
before my freedom is finally snatched away from me.
That won't be necessary. The powder we found
was a perfectly harmless substance.
- Oh! - You're all free to go.
- I beg your pardon? - You're free to go.
Be a bit more careful next time.
Just hang on there. I demand that you retest it.
Come back! I paid a huge amount of money for that stuff.
Don't tell me it was talcum powder.
So you've been diddled. It's happened to us all
- But it's not the money. - What is it?
It's the horrible realisation that I must have enjoyed playing ping-pong.